WELL. The whole ordeal is mostly over, I suppose. But, I wanted to see what people outside of this situation would think.

Let's start off with church. I began regularly attending a church that my best friend (we will call her C) invited me to, and her dad is the pastor. I loved the experience, and I really felt it enlightened me. I made friends with a young man there, now my current boyfriend (we will call him A). I never thought any relationship would blossom with A, and I saw him as a buddy of mine I only saw at church on Fridays and Sundays. Needless to say, we started becoming something more than buddies.

It began with a discipleship program. A and I decided to be accountability partners. This program had many strict guidelines and intense Bible study, so we wanted to check in on each other to hold us responsible for our work. One night, A shared his testimony with me over the phone after I had read him a story I wrote that he wanted to hear. I told him I accepted him, even for his rocky past and was glad he decided to change his ways. The phone calls began to occur nightly, and we bonded very closely. He soon admitted that he was beginning to "like" me, and I felt the same.

I told my best friend, C, about this. The first thing she said was "I'm trying to think of all of the reasons you should not like him and stop talking to him, but I can't because he is a good guy.". This turned into her telling me he was a distraction from my Bible study even though I was completing all of the assignments. Yes, the guidelines did state that no dating should occur during the program, but we did not date and were not even a couple yet. We only told each other of how we felt. C blatantly told me "More Bible, no more A." and walked away.

A few days after the program ended, A took me out for my birthday and we began to date. I'm not going to include every detail for the sake of length, but it turned into C's mother messaging my mother on Facebook and revealing A's testimony to her (which is supposed to be completely confidential). She even messaged my mom when I was at a cookout at A's house, asking MY mother if I got home safely. My mother was furious at that, and told C's mom that SHE is my parent and approves of the relationship. C's mother responded that A is too old for me (he's 6 years older, I'm 18 and he is 24), and she didn't know that my mother wanted that kind of "unholy relationship" for me.

I stopped attending the church because I felt very uncomfortable, and A does not go there as frequently any longer. C would constantly nag me to pray and ask God if he was in my His plan for me. Every. Single. Day. And she would say that it's not my choice of who I should date, it is God's, and I shouldn't be with A. She even went as far as to tell me to tell A that I'm "waiting until marriage". This made me feel so inferior, like I was a bad disciple and a complete, filthy person. I don't know how to feel about her. My boyfriend began to feel inferior to, and said he feared they did not trust him and felt condemned.

At church my boyfriend and I would feel like everyone was watching us, and C would actually watch us from behind the seating! It was awkward, and we felt very restrained. At my boyfriend's cookout, she even told other girls from the church to keep us separated, and they actually complied. -___-

How do you guys feel about this situation that went on?

TL;DR The church I attended did not approve of my relationship with one of their members because he is "too old" (I'm 18, he's 24) for me and had an imperfect past, but he has fixed that. The pastor's wife went as far as to message my mom that our relationship is "unholy", and my best friend who is the pastor's daughter kept nagging me to stop being with my boyfriend, to pray and ask God if he is in God's plan for me, and that it's God's choice of who I date and not mine. This made me feel inferior and made my boyfriend feel condemned.

I am not religious so perhaps my reply will be a little bit skewed but maybe in some ways it will be better to have a somewhat impartial perspective...

I think that it is crazy that your friend would be telling you whether or not you should date this guy especially the whole "more bible" thing. You waited until the program was over so it's not like you broke any of the rules. She says that it is God who decides who you should be with but could it not have been God who put you both in that program so that you could meet? You shouldn't have to tell A if you are waiting until marriage. It is up to you whether you believe that, and it is also up to you when and if you decide to tell him, not C. I don't see how either of you could be considered filthy or condemned. I don't know what era these people think we are living in. You haven't done anything except for date. Also six years isn't that big of an age gap and you are 18, it is not like you are 12 and he is 18 or something.... I also can't believe that C's mum got involved. That is entirely unnecessary. Also she publicised information that was confidential which is probably some kind of violation of his privacy rights. You are happy, your boyfriend is happy and your mum is totally fine with it and that is all that really matters. I think if people at the church are trying to make you feel bad about it, it suggests that they don't really have a lot else to do. I'd find another church to go to that is more modern and accepting.

This is coming from an Atheist, so you may need to take it with a grain of salt. I respect your beliefs though.

Okay, so from the sounds of it, C is not a real friend. Real friends do not sabotage their friend's relationships. Nothing that goes on between you and A is any of her business unless you decide to include her in it. You may have to go into bitch mode and tell your friend she needs to back off and mind her own business. If she doesn't respect that, than you may want to take a break or just break off the friendship. I'm sorry if that sounds forward or out of line, but like I said, real friends don't put their friends in a situation like this.

I suggest you have a sit down and a real conversation with your boyfriend. Talk to him about your concerns. Tell him your side of everything going on.

I would recommend finding a new, more welcoming church for your family and boyfriend. Try to avoid the people from your old church as much as possible. They sound very toxic and they will only hurt you more.

As for the age thing, I just want to say I'm talking to/seeing a guy who is 9 years older than I. It's only a big deal if you let it be a big deal. We all have skeletons in our closet. Some even have graveyards. What's important is that he was honest with you and he has worked on becoming a better person.

- C is a bad friend, period. You should definitely cut ties with her. And, you should also cut ties with the church. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable and worthless should be avoided.

Stay with A and find another church that has more accepting members.

I pretty much echo what others have said.

It's great you and your guy have a focus together, it really is! I really would find another church, one that realizes humans are human and will form and separate from relationships. Your friend actually sounds like her prying is out of jealousy all said and done. Just because you start to date someone it doesn't always mean sex is gonna happen so why did she feel the need to tell him you're waiting until marriage? Don't you think that that is a personal conversation for you and him to have and agree on? And that the resulting answer is for you guys to deal with not her or anyone else?

Next time she brings up "is he in gods plan for you" tell her he must be or your paths wouldn't have ever crossed. (idk what all you fully believe in for that but in general I believe that the people you meet in such situations as how you met your guy are for a reason. Or even the people who you have more care for than just passing by, like regular customers at your job for example. I myself have many that are at my work daily, even know what they want and don't care one lick about em, then there's others who I enjoy more conversation than the weather you know?) Then ask her why she's so concerned as to get others involved if she herself says this guy is not a bad person?

As for the age differences, my past two relationships have been in the same 6 year gap and really was no real issue except for my ex who is still very much young minded which lead to some immaturity conflicts. But by the law as long as you're 18 you can date an 80 yo if you felt like it was a good thing, and since your family also seems to like him that's also what matters.

And also isn't the point of his trying to better himself to be well a better person? It sounds to me like your current church isn't being very church like. I'm not religious by any means, but really it takes zero effort to truly do something nice which from what I get is what the bible is saying? To be good and do good, that it's ok to make mistakes so long as we learn and become better for it.

So find a new church that you both like since you both like to go, and maybe one that is part of the community in a larger scale so you guys can have more events together? Because it sounds like you both are good to each other and want to do good for life so finding a church that consistently helps the community might be well worth it.

What's this bullshit about it being god's choice, and yet she's directly interfering? And how do you interpret that - is god influencing her actions to stop you? Is he influencing you towards your boyfriend? Is there gonna be some miraculous sign that spells out "this lad's alright, actually"?

If I were you, I'd tell her friend that it's not her or her family's business, and to stop speaking for god, if he expects him to speak for himself. That age gap is not worth worrying about, and will become less prominent as you age. I'm sure you could find similar age gaps in your own church community, if you looked.

I agree with the others. I don't think you and your boyfriend did anything wrong and I don't think you deserve to be treated like that by people.

Maybe if you can check out different churches for a while to see if you can find a better fit and also just take a break from the people criticizing you, tensions might lessen. A lot of people become more accepting of relationships when they see you doing well with the other person.

Best of luck to you :)

Coming from the point of view of someone who IS religious, I agree with everyone else. Your friend C sounds a bit jealous and/or crazy. It sounds like whatever she wants you to do is synonymous with God's plan in her head. I'm honestly curious if you told her did pray on it, and there was nothing that said God was against it, what she would say...but don't do that

Since you did initially like the church experience, I would suggest finding a new one that you feel comfortable in.

One thing my mother taught me, and she went to a college down in Georgia USA that was so Christian it hurt, is that the best place for Christians (or applicable denomination) to hide is at the place they're practicing if they don't want to act... y'know Christian-like. Be it a church or college.

This C sounds like she's more toxic than she is beneficial and I'd stop talking to her asap.

C seems to think that she has a closer relationship to God or something that allows her to dictate what is acceptable behavior. Maybe she thinks because she's been at the church longer, then seniority dictates that she knows best? Either way, she's wrong. The whole point of Christianity, from the understanding of someone raised Baptist and later converted to Kemeticism, is that each person has their own relationship with God. Which means that C can pray all she wants for God to interfere because she thinks you shouldn't be in a relationship with A ( or likely anyone else) right now, but it isn't going to have an effect because she can't directly affect anyone's relationship with God other than her own.

C's attitude sounds ridiculous to me. So does the rest of the church. Like, you two followed the rules of the program. You didn't date during the program nor do anything else to break the rules. Neither of you have taken vows of celibacy or vows to not date or to become one with God by joining a monastery or sisterhood of nuns. At least that you've shared. Even if you had, it's confidential between you and God. Who's to say you didn't cross paths with A for a reason?

From my experience, most Christians believe that everything that happens to them is part of God's plan, for better of worse. Everything is a test to some people. C sounds like she thinks the test is whether A can turn you from your faith or something as equally ridiculous, considering he is also religious. Find a more accepting and loving church that will welcome you two with open arms instead of a list of unspoken rules met with disapproval. You'll both be happier. Plus, it'll mean less time for C to badger you and conspire with other church members to interfere in a relationship that is absolutely none of their business. Seriously. Ask the older church member how they met, if any of them met at church, etc. Chances are at least one couple will get red in the face and refuse to answer because they met in some unsavory location in their wild youth or something.

As for C, tell her to knock it off. Tell her your relationship is strictly between you and A, that she is not allowed to be a third wheel. Let her know that your relationship with God is also private and exclusive. In no uncertain terms let her know that she and her mother are not allowed to disclose confidential matters, as they are confidential. Also raise those concerns with the church itself as if they're willing to disclose A's matters, who else have they spoken about when it was supposed to be confidential? Finally, don't let it bother you. People are nosy. Ignore who you can, and don't worry too much. Enjoy your relationship.